Welcome to this guide to your New Human. I'll start with a disclaimer: it's not a guide. If you choose to follow some of the things that I have done, then it's on you, pal. Written as I awaited the birth of my second child, this book is a collection of stories about my experiences, as a man, in the creation and maintenance of a New Human. And given that she is awesome, I felt it only fair that I should share my wisdom with you, so that you too can have the best human possible. So whether you are a long-time parent, a new parent, a surprised parent, avoiding being a parent or just thinking about becoming a parent, I wish you all the best in your contribution to the continuation of the species. Three things every man should know before embarking on dadhood: When your partner is pregnant, never confuse 'big' with 'fat'. Use the pregnant wife card to your advantage. Sometimes I wished people would call me into a meeting just so I could say, 'Sorry . . . pregnant wife. Must go.' No questions asked. Once you have created a New Human you will need to schedule time together with your Old Human. (Never call her this out loud.)