Too Safe for Their Own Good: How Risk and Responsibility Help Teens Thrive

✍ Scribed by Michael Ungar

• Publisher: McClelland & Stewart
• Year: 2007
• Tongue: English
• Leaves: 236
• Category: Library

✦ Synopsis

Canadian children are safer now than at any other time in history. So why are we so fearful for them? When they’re young, we drive them to playdates, fill up their time with organized activity, and cocoon them from every imaginable peril. We think we are doing what’s best for them. But as they grow into young adults and we continue to manage their lives, running interference with teachers and coaches, we are, in fact, unwittingly stunting them.Internationally respected social worker and family therapist Michael Ungar tells us why our mania to keep our kids safe is causing us to do the opposite: put them in harm’s way. By continuing to protect them from failure and disappointment, many of our kids are missing out on the “risk-taker’s advantage,” the benefits that come from experiencing manageable amounts of danger. In Too Safe for Their Own Good, Ungar inspires parents to recall their own childhoods and the lessons they learned from being risk-takers and responsibility-seekers, much to the annoyance of their own parents. He offers the support parents need in setting appropriate limits and provides concrete suggestions for allowing children the opportunity to experience the rites of passage that will help them become competent, happy, thriving adults.In many communities, we are failing miserably doing much more than keeping our children vacuum-safe. They are not getting the experiences they need to grow up well. An entire generation of children from middle class homes, in downtown row houses, apartment blocks, and copycat suburbs, whose good fortune it is to have sidewalks and neighbourhood watch programs, crossing guards, and playground monitors, are not being provided with the opportunities they need to learn how to navigate their way through life’s challenges. We don’t intend any harm. Quite the contrary. In our mania to provide emotional life jackets around our kids, helmets and seatbelts, approved playground equipment, after-school supervision, an endless stream of evening programming, and no place to hang out but the tiled flooring of our local mall, we parents are accidentally creating a generation of youth who are not ready for life. Our children are too safe for their own good.—From Too Safe for Their Own Good

✦ Table of Contents

Cover
......Page 1
About the Author......Page 4
Title Page......Page 6
Copyright......Page 7
Contents......Page 10
Author's Note: The children and their families......Page 11
Preface......Page 12
1 The right amount of risk and responsibility......Page 16
Our fears have become our children’s problems......Page 18
Good parenting in action......Page 19
Three families, three needy kids......Page 20
It begins early......Page 24
The 4Cs of safe and responsible children......Page 26
How much supervision is enough?......Page 28
Healthy parents make healthy children......Page 29
For whose sake?......Page 31
Three questions......Page 32
So, what are we worried about?......Page 33
Jumping into adulthood......Page 34
2 Substitutes for problems......Page 37
Dangerous......Page 40
Deviant......Page 41
It’s not just about risk-taking......Page 42
Our fear of children’s risk-taking......Page 46
3 The risk-taker's advantage......Page 50
Why risky behaviour?......Page 55
We need to encourage risk-taking......Page 56
The resilient risk-takers......Page 59
Responsibility-seekers......Page 63
“No!”......Page 65
Habits and the identities that follow......Page 67
The difference between risk and danger......Page 69
Four powerful messages......Page 71
Opportunities for growth?......Page 72
Risk-takers and responsibility-seekers have powerful identities......Page 73
Whatever happened to children’s rites of passage?......Page 75
Dangerous by nature?......Page 76
4 Overprotected or under-supervised......Page 78
Overprotective or under-supervising: which are you?......Page 80
Physical risk-taking......Page 81
How do we handle our children’s risk-taking?......Page 82
The Overprotective Parent......Page 84
The Concerned Parent......Page 85
The joy of risk......Page 87
Risk-taking is a game......Page 88
When children are neglected......Page 90
What are the odds?......Page 94
Teaching children control over their minds, bodies and spirits......Page 95
Parents need to be coaches......Page 96
How a concerned parent can help......Page 97
Ask before telling......Page 99
The first question......Page 100
The second question......Page 101
The third question......Page 102
When their problem becomes our problem......Page 103
No pain, no long-term gain......Page 106
What our kids really need......Page 107
All grown up but with no common sense......Page 110
What happens when we tell children to fit in?......Page 112
6 Risk> What risk?......Page 116
Searching for fun but finding danger instead......Page 117
Growing up in a less perfect time......Page 119
Our not-so-dangerous times......Page 120
Owning up to our success......Page 121
When overprotection makes children sick......Page 123
One and the same......Page 125
Reality check......Page 126
From listening to understanding......Page 128
7 Speaking in ways risk-takers can hear......Page 129
Opening communication......Page 130
Respectful conversations......Page 134
Substitution as intervention......Page 135
The problem of defining problems......Page 136
What children hear......Page 137
New perspectives need new language......Page 140
Actions speak as loud as words......Page 141
When children’s problems are their best solutions......Page 142
Needed: a new, more powerful self-definition!......Page 144
Many expressions of resilience......Page 145
Paths to resilience......Page 146
Different communities, different substitutions......Page 147
8 Connecting......Page 149
A pleasant surprise! Our children want us in their lives......Page 152
Getting noticed......Page 154
Parents can provide the building blocks for powerful identities......Page 155
To grow up safe, we need relationships with adults......Page 158
“Raising parents is very difficult”......Page 161
Trusting our children’s choices......Page 162
Angry separations......Page 163
Safe amidst the storm......Page 166
The U-tube theory of love and connection......Page 168
9 Slim pickings......Page 173
Try this at home......Page 178
Choices aren’t always choices......Page 179
Community......Page 185
Dangerous talents......Page 186
In love with conflict......Page 189
10 Decisions, decisions......Page 191
When children get stuck......Page 194
Our fear of youth......Page 195
Conversations about limits......Page 196
Hidden pathways through risk to adventure and responsibility......Page 197
Shout, then shout louder still......Page 199
In search of good things to say......Page 201
Making kids safe from mass marketers......Page 202
11 Coming home......Page 204
The quest for a powerful identity......Page 208
Making an adult from a child......Page 210
Opening and closing the front door......Page 211
The door to understanding......Page 212
Limits to what we accept......Page 214
Communication leads to negotiation......Page 215
“Wherefore art thou?”......Page 217
Home should be a place for self-expression......Page 218
Learning from children......Page 220
Acknowledgements......Page 222
Notes......Page 223
Index......Page 227